When WORRY Has A Choke Hold

When one part of your life becomes difficult, does it affect the other areas of your life? And negatively at that?

Well, I have been learning - very painfully - is that when I stress about one thing, I let it ooze into the rest of my life! I admit that I am not the faith-filled, little missionary with even the mustard seed kind of faith.

And this - my lack of faith, my stress, anxiety, and worry - is really ugly.

Photo Credit: HAC Staff

Lately, my ministry, my co-workers, friends, and housemates could practically visualize this "burden" upon my shoulders. I hate this - that my "worry" gets in the way of connecting with my students, co-workers, friends, and housemates. Ugh.

And "the burden" is not "the problem," but "the burden" is "the worry" I choose to carry.

It has to do with that "new home" (a.k.a. apartment) I just moved into. I learned new information upon arrival that makes it advisable to leave (no, it's not the housemates. I love them and will be taking them with me).

One reason to leave is the lack of security, and this affects my feeling of safety. There was a burglary here a few months back - a common occurrence here. At night I wake up to various noises and wonder if its someone breaking the windows and entering the next room - really, I do.

Ironically, I'm reading a book now that addresses some of this topic. The author Lisa McKay says, "I'd eventually learned that when you don't feel entirely safe, it's hard to feel at home, regardless of how you define it."

So we are looking to move - SOON - to another "new home."

I know that my circumstances in life will not always change, and if they do, that will only be a temporary solution to my worry - and not really "fix" what I need to address in MY OWN SELF. I still need to learn to give my cares over to God MORE SOMEHOW and have MORE FAITH SOMEHOW. Do you know how to do this? Because I do try and pray and "focus on God" but...?

It raises the question, "Do I really trust God?" With believing God for provision, moving to a foreign country, asking Him to help me give and love others - with all of this, why am I still not trusting Him to care for me?

I read in Matthew 6 where it says "do not be anxious" how many times?!?!

"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?" (Matthew 6:30 ESV)

"O YOU of little faith," I bleakly chide myself.

I Am Convicted.

I Acknowledge. GOD. KNOWS. as verses 31-32 continue.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
~ Matthew 6:33-34 ~

And So I Seek... (Honestly, isn't seeking hard to define, to understand - in my muddled, partial, human, faulty and reliant - because "I can't do it myself" efforts?)

I realize how much this is a battle. Spiritually (not to leave out mentally and emotionally). I desire to change - to grow in my faith, as a person, free of worry, and in trusting God. I desire to put worry aside so that I can focus on what really matters and love the people around me.

And this post is so hard for me to share with you and to write for myself and acknowledge - these ugly parts of me. That I still need to be transformed. And that I ask for your prayers. Because I realize that I cannot walk this alone. It is tough over here, as in the PLACE and in the HEART - as I am sure it is over there where you live too.

And I Will "Therefore Do Not Be Anxious..." and "Therefore Be..." to another day when I have the benefit retrospect to give me more perspective. (And I postpone worry this evening to wrap myself in a good book from which the included quote came.)

                                                                                                                                                         

Would you consider sharing your story - about worry and/or faith here? Where are you at? What do you find helpful or harmful?

 I would love to learn from you and to pray with you.